The ugly, the bad, and the light

Hello,

Today I write to share about my life so far this year. I need to get these things out of me as part of my self therapy or self-healing as it were. And its funny that I write today (12/6/14), a week after an important date, which you’ll find out more about later. So. Without further adieu.

In January, I was planning a wedding to my wonderful Fiancee. We had gotten engaged on Nov 29th of 2012. A very  happy day as he surprised me and made it extra super special by taking me to the place where we kind of had our first date. He got on one knee, and told me that this was the place he fell in love with me, and couldn’t choose a better place to begin the rest of our lives together. We had been dating for 5 years that year in June.. Since 06/17/07.

We talked about it, and I knew I wanted to get married on White Day (March 14th) also known as Pi Day. We had talked about getting married on that day since 2010 when we had really first discussed ever getting married as we had been together for 3 years, and had been living together for 2 years. Unfortunately, his dad had fallen ill, and we had decided it would be better for us to pack up and move back closer to family to help take care of family. His dad lost his battle with his disease September 4th, 2012. It was one of the hardest losses we have had taken on together in our 5 years together.

However, on another note,  we set our date for March 14th 2014. Our engagement was a full 470 days from start to finish, or 1  year, 3 months and 2 weeks.  We celebrated on 06/17/13 our last anniversary as just boyfriend / girlfriend / fiancee and all that jazz. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this man and the many wedding anniversaries that were to come.

That year up until the wedding was one of the most difficult years we had together. Not only were we reeling from the passing of his dad, but we were also dealing with trying to negotiate with the bank to save his dads house, as we were living there at the time and hadn’t really the funds to go anywhere else. We dumped what little money we had into trying to hire a lawyer to save the house, and fight with the banks against them trying to foreclose on us. We even tried to contact the government and work with some government programs we had been told about to try and get the help we needed.

In September of 2013 we ended up loosing the house and having to move into an apartment.  And I feel like I’ve gotten off topic!

This is supposed to be this years events! Silly me.

January of this year we were still in our apartment. We celebrated our birthdays, and continued to plan our wedding. Some wonderful memories. On my birthday he surprised me and took me to a wonderful dinner at a fondue restaurant that I hadn’t been to in years and was one of my favorites that I have been wanting to go to for a long, long while. Or, even cuter, on Valentines day, I can’t remember if I worked or not that day, but I remember he did. So, we didn’t get to do any of the cute stuff that most couples go out and do on Valentines. We had tried to meet up with friends, but that fell through. Anyways, he came home from work, and as cute as can be pulled out a box from his pocket saying, “I didn’t have time to wrap it. ”  Now mind you, we may have gone out to eat on V-Day but we’ve never really done gifts. I do cutesy stuff, but thats because I’m adorable and its what I do.🙂

Anyways, handing me the box, it was a box of perfume! Now, I love to smell good, so I get lotions because I can smell good and they aren’t overwhelming. Every since I had a bad bought of stomach flu a few years ago, I can’t handle strong smells. I also have acid reflux and sometimes strong smells can trigger a bad bought. So, while I love perfume, I’m VERY particular about smells, and of course with him having been with me for several years, he knew this. So what did this wonderful man do, he went to the store, and tried several different smells. According to his story, he didn’t try them on the little sticks, no apparently he was spraying them on himself!  I laughed when I heard this, but he did this because I had told him before that perfumes smell different when they are on your skin ( at least to me they do… ). So he tried them on. He was worried that he would come home smelling to high heaven of perfume and that I would be suspicious, so he couldn’t hide it and be cute.😄 The thing was, the fact that he even tried made him more desirable and adorable in that moment than anything. It was the small gesture that did it for me. He thought of me.🙂 He had a funny way of doing that.

So we married in March. It was a wonderful day. I finally married the man of my dreams, my soul-mate. And it was all happily ever after.

Well, at least I had thought so.

In March I started working a second job to help bring in more income. I was also trying to go to school and working on figuring out the direction of my degree. That has always been an uphill struggle, and a story for another time.  So I began working full time from home as a phone rep for a major company, while also working part-time retail. Now because this was April/May time frame, I was in a mini-mester at school. I was taking C++ programming. The class was only supposed to last a month, but I thankfully found one that lasted 2 months, so instead of having assignments due everyday, I had one due about every 3 days or so, with some major reading and each assignment having about 3 parts to it. To sum it up, it was A LOT of work.  So, things started to fall to the way side at home.

My new hubby and I had several opportunities become available to us. One opportunity was we would rent a house after our lease was up from his uncle. The plan was to rent for 2 years and then buy it. So, because of this 2 year timeline, I wanted to try and set up a financial plan to where we could be financially set for the most part when we decided to buy.

Another opportunity was for us to own a restaurant. This was a big thing for us. Not only because it was something we have both really wanted to do for the longest time, but also because I knew he was unhappy with his job, and was looking for ways that he could quit his job and do something he actually enjoyed.  I took this as a personal mission, and sought to do whatever I could do. I left my full time job to focus on setting the paperwork and leg work for trying to take over the restaurant. I also went and spoke to the bank about getting a personal loan.

Now, this personal loan was to look at getting my hubby a work truck/van to work on cars and become a mobile mechanic. I wanted to see about doing a business account and everything. I didn’t want to do this with his information because I knew his credit was shot, and mine was at least a bit better than his was. It was one of the few things I thought I could do, and be like, “Surprise!” and he could go pursue his dream of eventually opening and owning his own shop. He has a brilliant mind, and a great work ethic,  but he never really ever believed enough in himself to push himself to do it. He was too afraid to take the risk, and I understood his reasoning, but I couldn’t sit back anymore and watch the person I love have an opportunity for them to chase their dream pass them by.

Unfortunately, I received a letter in the mail from the bank a couple weeks later saying I was denied. I was heartbroken to the point of depression even as our deal on trying to get the restaurant had even fallen through. I felt like dreams were being crushed left and right and we were sinking into a pit. I sat down and took a hard look at our finances. I thought maybe this was some sort of blessing in disguise. We had about 2-3k in savings and a mountain of debt that was racking up. So, I sat down and started planning. I knew if we paid on certain debts, we could have them paid off in a manner of months. We would pay minimums on all accounts except a couple, and when they were paid off, I would switch them over and pay off other accounts, all the while still trying to keep the same amount of money going into savings if possible. Once we got to the point where those debts were paid, my plan was for us to start making double payments on his car, and anything extra I made would go towards that. We had even sat down and calculated how much time would have been cut from our loan if we paid more on it. I felt like this was putting us in the right direction to rebuild our credit and set ourselves into financial security, which I know was something he worried about.

So, even though I had left my full time job, things started looking up at the retail job as I received a promotion into entry-level management. I was super excited as I love what I do, and where I worked. Going to work, even if I complained about it sometimes, going was never a chore. I never felt like I had to drag myself into work. I loved my job. I could tell this was getting on his nerves though. He was a store manager in a major retail chain, and had horrible hours. He would work anywhere from 10-13 + hours in a day. He initially loved what he did, but at some point it all became a chore for him. I slowly watched the spirit of my man die.

At the end of June / July time frame, is when things started to go down hill.

He was contacted by a former girlfriend from about 13 or so years ago. We will call her R.E. (for privacy sake). Well R.E. and my hubby dated a long time ago, before I ever met him. When they were dating, she became pregnant (by another man). My man, being the compassionate person he is, stayed with her and care for her and her baby once the little girl was born. Eventually R.E. pushed him away in a not so nice manner. Now, per his story, she basically broke it off, or pushed him away and said that he would never be the little girls father in an angry rage. Broke his heart. The only thing he had of this little girl he had become attached to was a picture. I used to have this picture up on a little white shelf thing where I hung our keys, along side a picture of my brother. I knew that little girl meant a lot to him and that one day he wanted to have a little girl of his own. (( Which was good for him because I pretty much have a solid feeling my first child is going to be a girl😀 )) Continuing on…

R.E. came back into the picture because he husband had left her. Some fairly nasty stuff had happened, and she was seeking a friend as well as someone who knew about cars that could help her fix her car. Well, my hubby being the mechanic and compassionate man that he is, approached me about helping her. Now, we’ve helped her in the past, and it didn’t turn out well. I was a little skeptical because I did not trust her on several levels, but the majority being, I have never met the woman. So, when he asked me if he drive up (4 hours north of us ) to help her, I was a little taken a back. This was 4th of July weekend mind you. He had off Tues, Wed that week and I had Wed, Thurs ( or something similar to that… ) There was only one day that we shared off. I told him from the very beginning I was not okay with him going up there by himself, however I understood his desire to help. I tried to compromise with him saying we could leave after he got off work and drive up there that night and stay the night. We could then spend the entire day up there. I didn’t even care if we left at midnight because I would just sleep on the car ride back so I could get up early and go to work. I was not okay with him going up there without me, seeing as how we are a married couple and this is something that should have been handled together. Needless to say, he ended up going up there without me.

Mistake 1.

And from there is spiraled out of control. I told him a fear I had. Basically because of their past, I was worried for him. My fear was that in some way, shape or form R.E. would manipulate the situation and use her daughter, the little girl he was so fond of before, as a tool to keep him coming back. My fears slowly became realizations, as he wanted to go up there more frequently. He started talking on the phone and messaging back and forth with R.E. more frequently. He became distant from me, and more argumentative. He started blaming me for every little thing not being done. It never mattered if I did one thing or another. It came to a point where he came home upset and tired and frustrated at me because the entire house wasn’t spotless all the time.  Mind you, at this point I was already in the process of packing to move us, as we were having to move out of the apartment in August.

Now, I know I’m no saint. There was one night where all the crap was piled on top of me, and I was being emotionally tortured because I could see that he was enjoying being there with R.E. and her little girl than being home with me. He would call and talk about his day with her, and not his wife. I was slowly being suffocated and pushed out of the picture ( or so this is how he made me feel ).  So one night, I calmly removed my wedding bands and sat them down and told him he had a decision to make. He was becoming overly emotionally and financially attached to the pair and disregarding his responsibilities in our house. I told him it was either Us, or Them. His exact words were, “I will not give up -little girls name-“.  I’ll be honest. I was so shocked at his stupidity and by how blind he was, I just got up and walked out. I had just died in that moment. Literally felt my heart break into a thousand irreparable pieces, and I was suffocating.

My Mistake was the next day, he came home and put my rings back on my finger and told me, “Never removed these, unless you mean it to be over.” We talked, and I thought that we had worked it out. That he would back off a bit and we could work it out. I was a fool for believing it. No matter how bad you know something is, and that you shouldn’t do something, you still, somewhere deep down, a little shred of you hopes for the best.

On August 11th, yes the day that we already had a tragedy with Robin Williams, it was the final straw. I had been sick and had lost my voice. He and I had been talking, trying to work it out. He was to go up and visit them again that day. I moved my schedule around to be able to go, so I could meet them finally. He called to tell her this, and R.E. wasn’t having it. She argued with him and told him not to come, that she didn’t want him bringing me. She had finally set the last straw, dictating what he could and couldn’t do with me, nor could he visit the little girl, and turned it against me, that it was all my fault he couldn’t go because of me. So he told me he was going anyways without me. He left at 4 am that morning and didn’t return until midnight. At that time he removed his wedding band.  This was it. The final stroke. There was no coming back.

We packed, and moved. I tried time and time again to talk to him. I tried to compromise and work with him, even suggested things like marriage counseling. I was watching the love of my life, the person who said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, push me away. He started telling people awful and ugly lies about how I never clean, or cook, or pay for anything. It basically came down to, I never got up to do anything. I was using him for his money and sucking the life out of him. I was even accused of at one point of keeping him from his friends. People who I thought were friends started to turn, believing it and pushing me away. Some I expected, and others, were shocking. The whole mess became ugly.

On September 14th (our 6th month anni) I crawled back into our bed together to talk to him. Yes, this was stupid of me. I knew for a long time then that it was over, the man I had fallen in love with several years ago was gone. I knew this, but I felt like maybe.. .just maybe, somewhere in there he was hiding. Maybe he was buried and needed help to see the light, to see that things really were not as bad as he perceived them to be. No… that was a mistake. Again he accused me of things and twisted words around and made more excuses. And it only got worse.

The final straw that pushed me to my breaking point. One day his mom and I had spent a wonderful day together. I had packed up some of my sisters things that had been staying with us and took them out to my moms. His mom and I had fun with the horses my mom’s boyfriends parents had, and the mammoth mules. It was an excellent day. We had lunch together at Chipotle and then came home to shower and relax. We even planned dinner for the next night and cleaned up.  We had sat down and watched a couple movies. He came home, and was on his phone talking with R.E. He went back to his room and shut the door and was back there for a couple hours before emerging. He walked into the kitchen and started yelling about what a mess the kitchen was. Mind you, My purse, a bag of onions, his moms Chipotle cup full of tea, a couple cans of corn, and his brother cookies from the other night were the only things on the counter.  His mom and I looked at each other appalled. So, naturally I got up to go take a look at what was wrong. I grabbed my purse and told him that we were waiting until our movie was over to put the dishes away (mind you the dishes was something I had been keeping up with since we moved in). He started to put the cans of corn away, and I grabbed them from his hands and told him he needed to calm down. I informed him that these were for dinner tomorrow night. We were planning on making my Chicken tortilla soup since it was cold, and i knew it was something he liked a lot. He lashed out at me, and cursed out me yelling at me that I didn’t know how to clean a F* kitchen and what not. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take the verbal abuse anymore. I had heard enough lies in the last month about how I didn’t do anything that I too lashed out. I told him if he needed to shut up and if he wanted to tell lies and be ugly to go to his room cause no one wanted to be around him. Of course he didn’t want to hear that, and I told him I didn’t care. If he wanted to be ugly, go be ugly all by himself because we didn’t want to hear it. Scared his mother, and I was so pumped up and angry that I wanted to break something. Instead, I ended up going and putting the dishes away till i calmed down. He eventually came out to get his laptop which we had been  using to watch movies on.

It was that moment that solidified it for me even more. The man I knew was gone. There was some monster in his place. My soul-mate had died that day.  On September 29th, we both left. He moved to be with her, and I moved south.

Now, for a bit of a confession.

In July, yes while this all started, we had started trying to get pregnant. I planned out when I was ovulating, and how frequently we needed to be active in order to increase chances for success.  Now, we track my period. We always have, its just something we’ve always done. Well, my period was late, so I was excited, yet nervous. What was I going to do? This man didn’t want to be with me, and I didn’t want to trap him, especially if he was happy else where.  Well thankfully, about a week later or so, I had gotten my period. I was a little short, but still a period, right?

Well, looking back, late august / early september time frame, when we had moved into the house and had been there a bit, I started having bought of nausea. It would happen throughout random times in the day and I would either be sick to my stomach, or I would be dry heaving. Only a handful of times did I actually have anything in my stomach to throw up. When I feel this way, I have a tendency not to eat.  Everyone was telling me it was just the stress and that I was making myself sick. So, I believed them and moved on.

Except my next period. It too was a little later than expected, and super light. And not to be gross, but there was mucus. Once again, i talked to some people, and they suggested it could just be the stress. So, again, thought nothing much of it, but I was beginning to wonder.

Let me sum it up. I thought I was pregnant. I shared this with a few close people. I had three very odd periods, that were nothing like what I normally get. Normally I have almost PMDD like symptoms. I get extremely tired, I have bad menstrual cramps and basically loose a lot of ability to function. On top of this, I had dropped a lot of weight, suddenly.  So while stress could have been a culprit, I could also have easily been pregnant.  Which leads me into: I no longer believe I may be pregnant.  I had another period recently and this one was the cream of the crop. It was like my period came back with a vengeance. Everything came back sudden, except the tiredness. My flow was heavy, super heavy and cramps. I thought I was going to die. I was at work, and thankfully my boss had come in, and I asked her to get me something or I was going to curl up into a ball and cry. I’ve had really bad menstrual cramps before, but these literally felt like someone or something was killing me from the inside.

So, there are two options here. Either: A. I was never pregnant and my period was just wonky because of the ‘stress’ or B. I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
And to be honest, I really don’t want to know. I’ve had some close friends tell me I need to go find out, but honestly, its too heartbreaking either way.  Why? Well because I was, and felt like I am at the point in my life where I want to be settled and start my family, whether it was with or without him. I had secretly hoped i was pregnant with a little girl. Have a name picked and everything. And if I was never pregnant, then its sad that I thought I may have been, and if i was and lost her…. -shakes her head- I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.  So for now, I take it a day at a time, and do my best not to think about it.

Until Next Time

-Danielle

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