Today was the first day in a while that I’ve had a ‘normal’ ( well my kind of normal ) day. I’m starting to feel more and more like myself. Its taken time, and conscious effort on my part to work on myself. This process has been anything and everything but easy. There are times I still cry for no reason, or will lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling.
Sometimes, when all is consumed in shade and silence, an ache creeps upon me stealing away my peace. First it’s weight bears heavily upon my breast. Then, slowly, as if with a dull instrument it begins to hollow away at my chest. The metal burns against my flesh, singeing all it touches. Flesh burns away, decaying inch by inch. The rotting putrid scent engulfs my senses. The ache bears down upon my body, flesh in shreds and my body nothing but a barren husk as my soul is consumed in darkness.
I open my mouth to scream from behind the flames, as they rise around me. I choke on the smoke and cinders, tears boiling against my skin. Gasping, hand out stretched, can you reach me? Water cleanse me. I beg of thee, release me of this misery. Refresh and quench my soul. death and destruction is all I see. Water pour and restore the balance. Give me life.
The rain. Cascades. The rushing sound of wind against the glass. Sheets impaling themselves upon sullen objects. Echoing in the hollows, their deathly screams and cries of pain. Each drop a tear from heavens eyes. The unspoken words and sobs of the broken hearted and down trodden.
All is well within my soul. Slowly it decays, the bacteria of death slowly consuming it piece by painful piece. A smile beneath the gentle kiss of the sun. All is well within my soul. Until the moon brings truth in her watchful eye. The hollow cries in the eve. All is well within my soul. All is well.
The truth is hard to come by and sometimes when we do, it’s even harder to swallow. We may even find ourselves fighting against it. The funny thing about truth is it never goes away. It will always be there shining brightly. We can try so hard to cover it or hide it in shrouds, but the truth will always find a way to shine through anyways.
Its been a while since my last entry, and things have definitely progressed. This year has started off like any other. No big bang, nothing spectacular, just another year.
My X and I haven’t really spoken this year. A couple emails here and there, but nothing major. These entailed about his car payment that he was responsible for. Come to find out, he actually stopped paying for his car in December and not January like he told me. I should have had the car taken back in November when I originally had said I was going to. I was a naive fool that always hopes for the best in people, even when they’ve shown me the worst. I have an over caring heart, and try to be understanding and as usual, it gets me into more trouble than I care to express.