Confessions of the broken hearted

Its been a while since my last entry, and things have definitely progressed. This year has started off like any other. No big bang, nothing spectacular, just another year.

My X and I haven’t really spoken this year. A couple emails here and there, but nothing major. These entailed about his car payment that he was responsible for. Come to find out, he actually stopped paying for his car in December and not January like he told me. I should have had the car taken back in November when I originally had said I was going to. I was a naive fool that always hopes for the best in people, even when they’ve shown me the worst. I have an over caring heart, and try to be understanding and as usual, it gets me into more trouble than I care to express.

There is a lot going on. I went through the new years and then my birthday. Speaking of, its my ‘Golden Birthday’ this year. I turned 27 on the 27th day of the month. I was looking forward to celebrating this birthday up right. I had made some big plans. Unfortunately, every one of them fell through.😥 But, life happens that way sometimes. I still had a pretty good time, and well, there’s always next year right?

Well, now Valentines day is a couple days away. What sucks is I have all these memories from last year around this time that were really great memories, and some of them were really big firsts. On my birthday my X took me to a great restaurant. On Valentines he bought me perfume. These were some really big deals. It was the first time he had ever really been super romantic, and I’m a huge sucker for romance. I swoon. So now, this year… I am left with resounding emptiness. The person I thought was the love of my life is now gone. This doesn’t hurt now as much as I thought it would, but it does kinda suck. What do you do when you believed this person was the love of your life, your soul-mate? It leaves my heart a little achy and my head thoroughly confused.

Well, he contacted me the other day, and proceeded to tell me that he has filed for the divorce, and that I have to go to where he is, and pay his court fees because he has filed first and a bunch of other non-sense. He has proceeded to tell me that he has proposed to RE and that they will be marrying as soon as possible. He also felt the need to mention that I mentally abused him, his family and his ‘daughter’ (RE’s daughter, the little girl he has no actual relation to). He has continually accused me of some pretty nasty stuff. For example, I wouldn’t let him have any friends. The funny thing is, he had many friends. Several of them tried to hang out with him, but he was always too preoccupied to hang with them. That’s straight from the horses mouth of one of his old, close friends. All I can do is shake my head. I’m once again, so dumb founded that I am at a complete loss for words. These lies, and stories that he’s fabricating, I just don’t know what to say. And then RE hopped on Facebook and proceed to accost me as well. Unfortunately, she has a bad habit of opening her mouth and talking about matters she has no real clue about. Which by the way, is fairly comical. Annoying, but comical none the less.

Either way, I kept my cool and did not reply to either party. I’m happy and relieved for my X’s email in a way. The good thing is, he doesn’t want me back. So, I now don’t ever have to worry or think that he’ll ever try to come back into my life. This makes me happy. The sad part, the part that stings, is the lies. He’s hired a lawyer, and is having the paperwork sent to me. I don’t know why he’s hired a lawyer. He proceed to tell me, ” if you do not show up we win by default and whatever I ask for.” So, I am led to believe that the reason he has hired a lawyer is he is asking for something in the divorce, of what I have no idea yet. This bothers me. I have done nothing but love this man and give him whatever he wanted. When we were both leaving, we had discussed a few nights before about who gets what. The only real request I had was that he get his car out of my name. We had made an agreement. He was to get the car out of my name, or he would continue to make on-time payments. If he missed payments, I would have the car taken. Again, I was a fool.

Let me let you in on something. I still work retail as an entry-level manager at my job. Still love my job, still don’t make much money. I made less than 10k last year. I do not make a living wage. So, I ask you this, what on God’s green earth could he want from me? I have nothing. I am living with (and this is a huge unfortunate) family I don’t like, and barely tolerate. The only reason I tolerate is because I’m barely here. I had to take my babies up to my X Mother in Laws place to stay until I could get on my feet. I was hoping that would happen in March. So far, it isn’t happening.😦 All my hopes and plans are falling through in front of me. And again, its heartbreaking.

So, I’m left at a loss. I don’t know what he is trying to pull or what game he is trying to play. I have read the laws in both states and know my rights. He is doing something illegal, or at the very least he is in the wrong. He can’t file this early, he hasn’t been there long enough to file. Secondly, he’s trying to tell me that just because he has filed first I have to pay his attorney fees. Again, from what I’ve read he is sadly mistaken. I don’t know where he is getting his information. Also, even though both our states are no-fault states, I can prove that he has committed adultery. So, he would be at fault.  I won’t disclose much more than that, but I am fairly confident in the knowledge I have and the evidence I have of his wrong doing.

The good thing is, I also have a great support system around me. I have made some great friends, several of which have either studied law, or have family in law. While I’m nervous about the future, I know that God will handle things accordingly, and that no matter what I have support and love from everyone around me, even some of his family. This is one of the few comforting thoughts I have left. I just have to keep telling myself that everything he says is lies, and that those who matter now the real truth of the matter. I know God is on my side, and that with him I will be just fine.

Unfortunately, due to all these events I have several insecurities that have developed. One of them being trust. I have never had trust issues before like this. I’ve always been super trustworthy of anyone and everyone, even when they really didn’t give me any reason to trust them. I always saw something in people and believed deep down, everyone is naturally good, or inherently good. Now, not so much.  Secondly, i’m insecure of my worth and my value. His words cut me deep. I tried and tried to  be the best wife possible. It felt like no matter what I did, or how hard I tried I was never good enough. Nothing I did could ever be good enough. This is something I struggle with now, every day. I have been approached several times and tried dating, but have broken them off before they even really got going because I just feel like I’m not good enough and I’ll never be enough. I know this negative thinking is not good for me, and its not true, but when you hear the negative so much, and you are engulfed in it, you begin to truly believe it. Its gotten under my skin, and it lurks there, just waiting to strike. I feel, disposable. No man wants to be with a woman who isn’t secure in who she is and what she has to offer. I know I have a lot to offer, but I need the reassurance. To be told I’m worthy, to be held at night, whispered to that I am loved and that I am good enough to be loved. Just to know that I am enough. Its very hard for me to handle.

I think those are my major insecurities at the moment.

My other thing is, I want to find love again. I want to be with someone, and in love with the right one for me. I want a family. I’ve said this before. Tonight I watched my nephew while my sister and her husband went out and it was nice. But, I always feel like I’m caring for other peoples children, and that I will never have any of my own. Its a little saddening to think about, even this close to V-Day. It makes my chest hurt thinking about it. I want that someone to cuddle with, to wake up a 2 am because they are snoring and just laugh. To watch someone sleep and rise and ready for work. ( Yes I’m a watcher, -.- and I’ve been told i’m a creep for it. ) But you understand right? To go to sleep in the arms of the one you love and the one who loves you. Someone whispering in your ear, “My beautiful woman, my love”. And to even mean it! For someone to look at you with those eyes, that you are their entire world. That just looking away for even a second would mean they would be lost. (And yes, even you would be too) My heart wonders if I will ever have this. I know it sounds like a fairy-tale and that its not possible, but I can hope and I can dream right? Let a girl have her dream.

So for now, I fight back and swallow the tears. I build up the walls around my heart to keep the feeling of my heart melting away in a fiery pit at bay. To keep any possible explosion or eruption damage to a minimum, because if it does happen, there will be too much damage I’m afraid. I may never recover.

Until Next Time

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