Today was the first day in a while that I’ve had a ‘normal’ ( well my kind of normal ) day. I’m starting to feel more and more like myself. Its taken time, and conscious effort on my part to work on myself. This process has been anything and everything but easy. There are times I still cry for no reason, or will lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling.
I put out a thank you on Facebook today, just to share how ‘elated’ i felt today. This overwhelming sense of peace and happiness just consumed my soul today. Its the moment when you breathe, and in that breath you feel the earth floating away from beneath your feet. Even your music is in tune with you. The rhythm surges through your veins, and you feel that at any moment you could just break out into song and dance. With every beat of my heart, I felt the electricity flow through each limb. I felt much like the dancers who perform ‘crunk/krunk’ dancing. Their movements are sometimes ridged, but with each lymphatic movement, I feel…speechless. My soul resonates so deeply with the world around me. This was this overwhelming peace that washed over today. Think of chewing a minty piece of gum, having an ice cold drink, while standing outside in the dead of winter. That icy feeling in your lungs, not the burning one, but that cool refreshing sense.
Anyways, sorry I got lost in what I was trying to describe. My point, I think. I had a really good day. Lots of support from people I ever expected to have such support from. I almost feel sorry for my Ex. Almost, but not quite.
Again, as I was saying. I posted this thank you on facebook. I was told “You really show what it is to walk with grace.”
I had to take a step back. Grace? Me? I’m just over here, having a good day, wanting to share my thankfulness and love with everyone and I get a compliment such as this.
Now: Grace is defined as thus: (ref: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace)
a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b : a virtue coming from God
c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
c : a special favor : privilege <each in his place, by right, not grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling>
d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic
b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm <all the grace of youth — John Buchan>
c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
a : sense of propriety or right <had the grace not to run for elective office — Calvin Trillin>
b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful
I had to take a moment and felt the need to re-evaluate my position. I question a lot of times when I say and do things. I don’t want to come off that I am purposefully seeking attention, or justification for what I’ve done or for what I am doing. I purely wanted to share that I was thankful and was having a good day. I feel though, that no matter what, things end up turning into this fest of people trying to reassure me that I am in the right and I have done nothing wrong. I feel like they are trying to say I’m in a sense perfect, and /or are putting me up on a pedestal.
I don’t know what I’m getting at. I’m not full of grace, but far from it. I feel like I’ve fallen from the farthest reaches of any sort of grace. I do what I can each day, and try to just be the best me I can be. That isn’t always perfect,and a ot of times I fail. I have good days, and I have bad days. I’m just hoping and striving to have more good than bad. I just don’t make any promises.
Until Next Time